Insomnia

Tonight I find myself for the third time having pre-surgery jitters. The first night this happened to me was many years ago. I was about three weeks away from turning 10. It was a few days before Christmas. I was going to have my tonsils and adenoids removed. They were going to use a fancy new “laser” on me. I had never had surgery of any kind and I was down right scared! I don’t know now long I stayed up, but I do know that I fell asleep at some point. My mother woke me up around five in the morning. She was holding a candle and dressed in warm clothes. The power had gone out in the middle of the night. (Uh, not a good thing, we lived in Alaska!) I was exhausted but sprung out of bed. The adrenal was at the highest level I think I had ever felt. I don’t remember much about getting ready to go, expect I had to pee in a bucket. I hate power outages. The people at the clinic were so nice. The nurse that took me way from my mother and little sister had elf shoes on. She kept me comfortable by talking about what I wanted to get for Christmas. Before long I was laying on a table with huge lights. The doctor put a mask over my nose and mouth that smelled of cinnamon. (To this day every time I smell cinnamon I think of that moment) Before I knew it I was wake with a horrible sore throat and my mom and sister were right beside me. My little sister, Phoebe, was almost five years old. She thought is would be a great idea to tickle my feet. She wanted to see me smile. I wanted to kick her face. I vowed that one day I would get her back for that. It did happen, many years later. I was 18 and she was 13. It was a beautiful moment!
I survived that surgery just fine. Fast forward to three years ago, it was again, a few weeks before my birthday. This time I was turning 25 and it wasn’t my tonsils I was loosing, but my uterus. It had taken me weeks to come to this decision. It was a very emotional one. The night before I went to the hospital I couldn’t sleep. I thought of everything. I thought of each one of my pregnancies. I though of the deliveries and of holding my tiny, new babies. I though of the beautiful connection you have with God while you are pregnant. It is something you only feel while you are caring a child. I thought of how I would miss all those things. I felt a huge loss. I had no clue how deep of a loss it would be. I was so upset I threw up most of the night. When I did fall asleep I was clinging to my husband. He was my biggest support. I could not have gotten through it with out him. I knew his head was full of similar thoughts. When I did wake up that morning, that same adrenalin pumped through my body that I felt year’s earlier. On top of thinking all about my life without a uterus, I had to run around and make sure all the last minute details were taken care of.Now we are here, the night before my knee surgery. I know I should be feeling okay; I have had a hysterectomy, what is simple knee surgery to that? But, I find myself not able to sleep. I am thinking about my husband. He is not here tonight. He is away on business. I miss him. I wish he were here so I could cling to him again. My mom is sleeping in the back room. She has her back already and clothes laid out. Smart woman. I am wake with thoughts of what is it going to be like to have my knee a “completely blood free zone” or that they are going to fill my knee with a liter of water. I am thinking of how you feel right after you wake up from the sleeping drug. I hate it. I feel almost like I am going to have a panic attack. I know it is normal. It is due to your mind and body waking up at different times. I don’t look forward that. I never do. I am looking forward to not having this pain all the time. I am looking forward to being able to jump on the trampoline with my kids and go on a walk with my husband. I want to do yard work and go to the gym. When I go to California next month I want to be able to hike and play in the Redwoods with out having to have a knee brace or pain killers. I am trying to think of these things and not the pain that is going to be with me when I wake up. Or that I will have to say in bed for a day or so. Am I just sounding like a baby? I still wish Jake was here. He comes home on Sunday. I am dreaming of him walking in the door and kneeling by my bed and kissing me. I will then be able to sleep the peaceful sleep of having my husband next to me. The clock on the computer is telling me that it is three in the morning. I am going to be up in a couple of hours with that all to familiar adrenalin. Wish me luck!